gazingup: (Default)
Have you found yourself missing a heart beat? Have you ever been at the mercy of the City and its questionably sane citizens, only to discover yourself dead on the sidewalk the next day? Ever wake up one morning wishing you were alive again? Or even if you aren't dead yet, have you ever desired guaranteed, fail-safe insurance for your life?

Then, I - Tristan Thorn - have a product I'm quite certain that you will be interested in. Quite certain. A finely crafted item from the hands of the Deities themselves, forged by the same magic that fuels this concrete nightmare, and obtained through great perils involving a large, probably feral and offensive talking bear.

What is it? Ladies and Gents, I present to you——


THE MUSHROOM


This delectable dish is more than delicious, why, it's marvelously divine! And when I say divine, I mean divine in its literal sense. For what could one call a mushroom that revives life anything other than divine? That's right! One of these mushrooms, and that quiet heart of yours will beat again! No more chills from that cold, pasty flesh of yours! No more wishing you could use the restroom! And food? I imagine it would actually be filling, never mind tasty again.

So what does it take to get your hands on these god-fungus? Mind you there's only ONE available, so... obviously, you must understand that it's no small price. However, I find it very reasonable, exceptionally reasonable, all considering.

GET YOUR LIFE-REVIVING MUSHROOM FOR ONLY 5 x 107 INDIGOS TODAY!


***: FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!! With your purchase of the life-reviving mushroom, you can also order the HEART OF IMMORTALITY, which will make it so you'll never, ever have to worry about terrible-old death knocking at your door! It's harvested fresh from the chest of a [livejournal.com profile] shiningdown, and let me tell you from experience, that's one feisty star. Your heart will be kicking for an eternity, I assure you. Think about it-- revive yourself and freeze your youth for eternity, all for the reasonable price of 1 x 1015 Indigos!
gazingup: (✘ serious)
[ the camera snaps on, revealing Tristan carefully examining an object in his hand - it's green, shaped like a ping pong ball, and unmistakeably a mushroom. ]

But it's just a mushroom!

...Still, they say it's a mushroom that can bring someone back to life. I can't say I need it and hope to never, but it'd be awfully useful to have. Only a fool would throw it away, really.

What odd luck, though I'm certainly not compl-

[ a deep roar clips off the end of his sentence. The timbre can only belong to that of the King Queen of the Jungle-- a motherfucking lion.]

Wh- What- What was that? Oh god, why is there- why is there a lion sitting on the couch?

[ The video pans out to focus on the animal sitting there comfortably on the sofa. She seems unperturbed and rather unimpressed by Tristan's ruckus and clatter. Also, she may have just rolled her eyes, or at least as close to an eyeroll a lion can manage. ]

Calm yourself, Tristan.

Calm? You're telling me to be calm! There's a bloody lioness in my home. I left the forest to avoid lions, now- now they come wandering into my house!

And am I ever glad about that. An entire month spent living in a forest? We are not animals.

You're- You. You're talking to me right now, aren't you?

What do you see before you?

[ pauuuuse. ]

Yvaine! Get the meat from the ice box! Hurry, there should be some left over from-

Please calm down before you hurt yourself, Tristan.

I am reasonably calm considering the situation! Honestly, get out of here-

[ A heavy, rectangular object flies into the camera's view, hitting the unimpressed lion in the back. Seems like Tristan had a sudden spark of courage, too bad it comes with unfortunate results. The camera switches to focus on Tristan, who's currently bent over and nursing a bruise on his back. ]

OW! Ow. Jesus Christ. What the hell was that?

I have to admit. The only reason I didn't dodge was for that reaction.

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Tristan Thorn | king of stormhold

May 2010

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