magical flying moron

Have you found yourself missing a heart beat? Have you ever been at the mercy of the City and its questionably sane citizens, only to discover yourself dead on the sidewalk the next day? Ever wake up one morning wishing you were alive again? Or even if you aren't dead yet, have you ever desired guaranteed, fail-safe insurance for your life?

Then, I - Tristan Thorn - have a product I'm quite certain that you will be interested in. Quite certain. A finely crafted item from the hands of the Deities themselves, forged by the same magic that fuels this concrete nightmare, and obtained through great perils involving a large, probably feral and offensive talking bear.

What is it? Ladies and Gents, I present to you——


THE MUSHROOM

This delectable dish is more than delicious, why, it's marvelously divine! And when I say divine, I mean divine in its literal sense. For what could one call a mushroom that revives life anything other than divine? That's right! One of these mushrooms, and that quiet heart of yours will beat again! No more chills from that cold, pasty flesh of yours! No more wishing you could use the restroom! And food? I imagine it would actually be filling, never mind tasty again.

So what does it take to get your hands on these god-fungus? Mind you there's only ONE available, so... obviously, you must understand that it's no small price. However, I find it very reasonable, exceptionally reasonable, all considering.

GET YOUR LIFE-REVIVING MUSHROOM FOR ONLY 5 x 10⁷ INDIGOS TODAY!


***: FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!! With your purchase of the life-reviving mushroom, you can also order the HEART OF IMMORTALITY, which will make it so you'll never, ever have to worry about terrible-old death knocking at your door! It's harvested fresh from the chest of a shiningdown, and let me tell you from experience, that's one feisty star. Your heart will be kicking for an eternity, I assure you. Think about it-- revive yourself and freeze your youth for eternity, all for the reasonable price of 1 x 10¹⁵ Indigos!

Yvaine? Yvaine?

....

YVAINE.

[ that last yell sent birds flying from their tress, if the sudden rush of chittering was any hint. yes, he's still in the forest after three weeks. ]

Where did you run off to? Honestly, this place is dangerous. You- You could get yourself hurt, and then I'd-

[ paaause, wait! here comes the light bulb, and he takes the communicator out of his pocket, snapping it on...only to realize it was already on in the first place. ]

...Blasted thing. There's no sense to how it works, turning off and on like its got a mind of its own. Probably does have a mind of its own, if you ask me.

Anyways, what was I, oh-

Hello, City? Everyone? I was wondering- I was wondering if any of you have seen a woman wandering around? Blonde hair, silver dress, insufferable temperament. Yells and complains quite a lot, so I'm sure it's not hard to miss her.

[ crickets chirp, and yes those are actual crickets. ]

I've got to find her. She's a star, you see- I'm sure this is the first time she's touched ground in ... in centuries, and she could easily get hurt running off by herself. So if any of you see her, would you please direct her to me? Or rather, actually- Would you tell me where she is?

My thanks for your assistance.